Recess and Redo, Turtle Shells and Memories

After work I attend an art reception, where my piece wins an Honorable Mention. I'm stoked by this given the caliber of work in the show, and also because I am dipping my toes back into the arena of exhibiting my art after an almost three year break. But it's a school night, and after a bit of socializing I hurry home with my son so we can begin homework and end-of-the-day routines. First, however, he grabs my hand shovel and I follow him into the woods, aware of the quickly diminishing sunlight. It always seems darker deep in the woods, I think, as he digs with the small shovel until he finds what he is looking for - a fat, writhing earthworm. We are fostering a young Box Turtle for a couple of weeks before releasing him back into the wild. The survival rate of these little guys is pretty low, and we wanted him to have a fighting chance. However, in a short time he'll need a foraging area about the size of a football field, and we can't provide that, so we'll be letting him go. No matter how good one's intentions are, too often wild things die in captivity - first the spirit, then the body.

At my son's school, there is an occasional special day called Recess or Redo. On this day, students have the choice to enjoy a variety of sports-based recess activities or redo work that they may not have done their best on. I love this concept. You can enjoy a bit of fun and freedom from regular school routines...or you can go back and change the final outcome of a test, assignment, etc. by redoing it.

It would be nice to have a recess and redo in life, wouldn't it? I groan many mornings lately when I check Facebook and discover it's dredged up particular memories from a few years ago. Joking with a friend over coffee one evening, I made the comment that sometimes I wish I could disable that memory timeline feature. "Don't you just wish you could go back and not have wasted so much time and energy on mess that didn't deserve it instead?" She says, and we laugh. Recess or Redo, I think.

I don't believe everything is a lesson. I believe some things are just gloriously poor choices that we make, usually when we are trying to confine ourselves to inauthentic ideas of who we are or should be. I'm not proud of the times when I chose to not respect myself and who I am by allowing myself to be treated poorly or to be in a relationship that wasn't right for me because I felt I needed someone else to be whole. I don't look for lessons in all the choices I made regarding this, and given the chance, yes, I would redo - or rather undo - a few memories, ones which resulted in my losing focus on my goals, which took years to get back and, as my friend said, ultimately amounted to just a lot of wasted time and energy.

Would I redo every failed relationship? Of course not. I wouldn't redo meeting my son's father because then I wouldn't have the handsome, amazing boy who is the light and love of my life. I moved across the country for love once, and I wouldn't redo that either, because the experiences I gained from that time of my life were amazing. These were ones where I truly learned lessons about who I am and who I am becoming. Were it not for these lessons, I, too, might have died in captivity years ago. First my spirit, then my body. A few since then, however...yeah...I cringe when Facebook spontaneously pops up with unpleasant (to me now) memories. Not because of the people in them, no. I cringe because of me, and how out of touch I must have been with who I really am to have even created those memories to begin with. That's what I'd really like to redo -  my choice to settle for much less that I deserve, to remain deep in those woods even when I knew darkness was approaching.

A friend calls to ask me if I would like to have three Box turtle shells that he found in the woods. He's collected them over the years, but now feels the call to let them go."I thought of you," he says, and I smile. Twenty-five years ago, my father brought me turtle shells from the wilds of Florida because when he found them, he thought of me. In my son's room, there is a rattle that I made from a turtle shell that I found in the woods near our home when he was an infant. He carried it for years when he danced in pow wows. Now it has a special place because it, too, has the power to call forth memories. Good memories. Memories of life. Memories of dancing.

There is a full circle in this, in seeing ourselves as the true, wild beings that we are, able to remain in captivity for only short time periods before withering away, no matter how carefully cared for, because the space we need to grow just isn't there. As I am writing this, my son runs downstairs. He's found a box we were missing, a small box of toys and mementos that were mine when I was a child. We have been searching for this little box, afraid it was lost in the flood last year. But he's found it, and together we open it.

Memories.

Some Awesome Books, Links, and a Spring Recipe for you!

I am not a huge fan of being in front of a computer screen...which is kind of a negative for a writer, but nevertheless, it is true. I prefer real books to Kindles and generally only get on the computer when I am at work, writing or blogging. Still, I've discovered a website that I must explore a bit more, and I want to share it with you!

It's Little House Living, and in the blogger and author Merissa A. Alink's own words, "Here you can learn to save money and make the most with what you have. Whether that's learning how to cook from scratch, checking out creative ways to ave money, and learn how to live simply." All things that are very important to me right now, especially as a mother. If you are like me and prefer books to screens, you can check out the new book with the same title here!

In addition, I've just been told about a new book I'm interested in exploring called Simplicity Parenting. I became aware of this through a lovely blog I follow, Audrey Eclectic, and want to learn more.  No matter how often we purge, it seems there is always more that needs to go. And no matter how much I budget, I still end up feeling, at the end of the month, that it should not cost so much to live if we are living simply. So I am keen to learn more and look forward to exploring the Little House Living blog, book, and Simplicity Parenting.

With no bookstores nearby and a hesitancy to purchase without actually seeing, I've requested our local library order Little House Living. They are great about getting the books I request, which enables me to save money and check the books our as often as I like! (I just checked out Almost Amish again to enjoy over Spring Break!) And by checking books out instead of buying them, I save money and reduce clutter in our home! I just have to muster the patience to wait for that call saying, "The book you requested has arrived!"

I hope that the Easter Holiday is amazing for you and yours. I am on work holiday and get to play happy homemaker for the next week, and I couldn't be more excited! The events, the baking, the time at home, in springtime nature! We'll be starting some seedlings and doing all kinds of other fun things. I hope you will, too!

Recipe for these fun spring treats here!

Have a blessed Easter Season!

On Big Magic...

Recently I read the book, Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert. I was referred to this book my friend Cassie, whose opinion on things literary I generally respect, and who has written many wonderful books of her own. So I decided to read Big Magic and found myself enjoying it thoroughly.

Not because it inspired me to go out and tackle the world based solely on the belief of my own creative genius, but because it inspired me to do just the opposite. Had I read this in my twenties, it might have served as the permission I needed to stop striving to tackle the world based solely on the belief of my own creative genius and just enjoy living authentically, fully, and creatively. To just enjoy the Big Magic of being creative.

But what does that look like?

Twenty years ago, I thought it looked like me dressing dramatically, being rail thin with stunningly artistic hair, standing in front of my equally stunning paintings at gallery openings in some big city where I would have a fancy apartment above some chic coffee shop or cafe. I'd travel frequently to exotic places and do all kinds of fascinating things.

Yeah.
(If you know me personally, insert manic laughter here...right here...)

Twenty years later, that's so not my life. Nowadays I'm prone to simple clothing. Black and white stripes are about as dramatic as my wardrobe gets. Even though I am mostly vegan I'm still not rail thin (dammit!) and when it comes to hair, well...as my stylist knows, I'm both too cheap and too lazy to maintain any kind of stunningly artistic look beyond whipping it up into a scrunchie. (The scrunchie might be stunningly artistic, though...)

And while I do love to see a good art exhibit, I rarely make appearances at gallery openings because I don't like small talk with large crowds. And instead of the studio, these days I'm likely to be found in the kitchen, trying to master the secret to creating a perfect homemade pie crust...

A long way to go....painting is so much easier...

Fancy chic apartments in metropolitan cities? Not so much, but I love our small home, on the edge of the woods with just enough space and a patio where I can enjoy morning coffee and birdsong. And though I do enjoy traveling, I don't do it frequently because I so love being at home, making things, writing, reading, planting, cooking. I'm still striving for my dreams, they just aren't centered around the same things anymore. What I strive for now is simple, sustainable living; eating real food; buying less and reusing/recycling more; slowing down and enjoying life; more time, because requiring less material items means I can work less and live more. A place a little further away from the city, where I can have a huge garden, maybe a few gentle animals to greet me when I step outside on the deck with my morning coffee. A mountain view won't hurt. A job I can work from home so I rarely need to venture away...

What I love about Big Magic is that it encourages me to keep striving towards the creativity that brings me joy while reminding me I am not obligated by the laws of nature to make my living from it. That it is okay to enjoy being creative and living a creative life on my own terms, without forcing my creativity to provide my bread and butter, because let's face it, creativity manifests itself in many, many ways, and not all of those way are going to result in a marketable product. The very notion that it would, or would need to, is what led to the burn-out that upended my life a couple of years back and has redefined how I view creative living now. I like that an author so prolific as Elizabeth Gilbert gets that even the biggest of magic doesn't have to result in the biggest of payoffs to be worth doing. It's worth doing not because it will bring one fame and fortune, but because it will bring happiness to one in those moments, as well as love, experiences, and joy to life.

In other words, I'm not wasting my creative talents if I'm not creating solely to generate income. I am wasting my creative talents, however, if I am not creating a life I enjoy. Striving towards fame and fortune, always burning the midnight oil, creating work for a target market, endless small talk with huge crowds...these are things I didn't enjoy. I am sure that is many people's cup of tea, but my big magic takes place elsewhere, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

This week's creative endeavors for our household will involve vending at SpringFest and turning these lovely eggs, gifted to us by a friend who has hens, into delicate Easter desserts and what I am hoping will be some pretty epic Easter eggs.

Here's hoping you will have a blessed week full of Big Magic! And if you are so inclined, give the book a look. I found it at our local library, but you can find it here or at your local bookstore!